Big emotions are not manipulation

19 January 2010 · 14 comments

I have big emotions frequently. I love big. I fear big. I anger big. I feel big. I can only imagine that I’ve always had big feelings. I know that my kids have big feelings, too. It’s never something that I’ve felt the need to apologize for.  Having feelings and expressing them is a healthy

I don’t see their emotions as any less than my own and I do not feel the need to control their feelings for them. I hope that I am able to help them learn to control their reactions to their big feelings as they grow by example.

Merriam-Webster Online defines the word manipulate in the following way: to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage or to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one’s purpose.  I do not believe that a child uses their emotions to manipulate people unless they themselves have been manipulated that way.  An infant does not cry to manipulate someone to hold them- an infant cries because they need something whether it be food, a clean diaper, or just human contact. If we can be there for our children and provide them what they need in a safe, secure way, manipulation never enters into the equation.

This morning my son wanted some soda. We were out of it and I told him so.  He started crying.  He told me to go get some.  He was angry and sad because we were out of his favorite drink.  I did not take his yelling and crying personally.  I told him that I couldn’t go get any until later because my car wasn’t working.  I told him what else was available to drink and I told him that I understood his frustration because I was upset we were out of it, too.   Hi was still upset and I told him I was going to the other room and if he needed me, I would be there.  I heard him kick once and then it was done.  He called for me to help him pour some juice.  He had BIG feelings about not having that soda.  He cried and yelled and offered his solution to the problem- me going to get some.  He was not yelling or crying to manipulate me.  He was expressing himself in the way that most 5 year olds  know would do.  If I had been a little more mindful, we would not have run out and neither one of us would have been disappointed, but I forgot.

Rue Kream wrote “No child wants to have a meltdown. It’s our job as parents to meet and anticipate our children’s needs and to make doing so a priority.”  I firmly believe that.   (You can read the rest of that article here)

When my kids display these big emotions, I do my best to be there for them.  I know that they are expressing those emotions in their own way.  I do not think that expressing emotions are something that should ever be disciplined for- they will hopefully learn to control their reactions to these feeling as they grow- especially when they are surrounded with love and support.

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  • Sylvia

    As a person of big emotions myself, with three kids who also have big emotions, I really enjoy this post. Thanks, Laura!

  • http://www.frecklesfilledwithlove.blogspot.com Jean

    We have some big feelings here, too!

    I remember reading The Spirited Child and being so struck by the idea that the child who is throwing a “tantrum” (or whatever the unwanted behavior may be) isn’t having any more fun than the adult witnessing it. I had never thougth of it that way. It was really a lightbulb moment for me. It made being there for the child, with the child, much easier for me. The focus changed from caring about the behavior to caring about the child.

    I wish I had had someone supporting me through my big feelings as a kid. They can be scary for an adult sometimes, and so much more so for a child.

    Great post, L!

  • http://sites.google.com/site/dragonflykaizen/ Ronnie

    Very nice. Another thing I keep in mind is that it is kids who are thoroughly discouraged, despairing, hopeless who don’t show their emotions. My younger daughter was desperately unhappy at age 6 due to her school situation. (This was before unschooling, obviously.) She didn’t rage, but she didn’t smile either.

    As things began to improve, we would rejoice in her every expression of anger because it was such a clear sign that she was *coming back*. She was gaining confidence in her own voice again, regaining her belief that we were actually there for her, listening to her, responding to her.

    That experience has stayed with me, and even though (especially because?) now she is 15 and gloriously happy and open, I know that her expressions of emotion, whether positive or negative, are a Good Thing and a gift to be thankful for.

  • http://mamapoekie.blogspot.com mamapoekie

    So happy this carnival led me to your blog!
    It is so sad that mainstream ideas don’t let kids show their true emotions, and later wonder why they have emotional blocages growing up

  • http://www.rachelsramblings.com Rachel

    Good reminder that: ” I did not take his yelling and crying personally.” I often think my son is yelling AT me, which it is not the case.

  • http://www.breastfeedingmomsunite.com Melodie

    This is what I try to remind my husband. Kids don’t want to cry and scream and throw temper tantrums. They do it because they don’t have the tools. We do. Or at least those of us who want to have the tools do. Great post. Thanks.

  • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

    re: kids don’t want to have the meltdown either – I read that somewhere else. Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting maybe? Liebermann’s The Emotional Life of the Toddler maybe? It’s so true – kids are out of control and *scared* when they are in the midst of a “tantrum.”
    And if kids can’t feel their big emotions when they surface, they’ll just express them in different ways later. It does no good to make them be quiet!

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